relapse.
16 years ago
2009-06-05
Ive come to realize how little i am willing to put up with nowdays. I used to be a multiple strike woman, allowing a man to do wrong and looking the other way. now in therapy sessions I realize that there are standards i have and expectations i have. say its age, say its my new personality from survival, say what you wish.
they came from out the woodwork.
There is this phenomenon called people known as the "out of the woodwork" Now this is open to those you "could have messed with but shut you down" to those who "had to leave" or "did wrong" by you. It is not gender prejudice, its not racially specific, it just happens. And its retarted. Now its reasoning behind it is unknown but even einstein couldn't have denied that it happens. Whenever you're with someone these people seem to portray their names and come straight out the woodwork. The past you had tries to come into play again. Yours truly has the ablility to claim, with proof, that only one man she's ever had dealt with would NOT come back. 99% success rate regardless of how it ended? Thats not bad, but on to the general.
These are those that set out to see where you at, found you after searching, or have been watching you and now that you're with someone else they think they can do better than that person. Even though they had their shot and lost out, they believe they have a right to try again. OR are just set out to try their best to destroy you again. Why they do what they do is not really concreted, but it seems like life sends them onto your path like a test. See just how deep your relationship is, see how over them you really are.
Im getting married in less than 130 days and they be coming from everywhere, luckily my fiancee was my friend for 3 years prior, so as friends i told him everything. He knows about them, and together we watch them try, even without him around they approach, but I am not one of those women anymore that lets the past walk over me like a doormat, I rarely give a second chance. Im too open with my feelings and needs to need a second shot. So why they keep trying, i chalk it up to the phenomenon, nothing more, nothing less. Theres those idiots that ask if im serious about this man, while looking at my 1.5 carats on my hand. Oblivious is not the word. But the attempts have ranged from straight disrespectful that reminds me why im not with them to the hilarious, like they high and mighty STILL. its a phenom i dont understand and i am not going to try. i just sit back and laugh, where are these folks when youre single, why they always gotta come when you wit someone? lol.
These are those that set out to see where you at, found you after searching, or have been watching you and now that you're with someone else they think they can do better than that person. Even though they had their shot and lost out, they believe they have a right to try again. OR are just set out to try their best to destroy you again. Why they do what they do is not really concreted, but it seems like life sends them onto your path like a test. See just how deep your relationship is, see how over them you really are.
Im getting married in less than 130 days and they be coming from everywhere, luckily my fiancee was my friend for 3 years prior, so as friends i told him everything. He knows about them, and together we watch them try, even without him around they approach, but I am not one of those women anymore that lets the past walk over me like a doormat, I rarely give a second chance. Im too open with my feelings and needs to need a second shot. So why they keep trying, i chalk it up to the phenomenon, nothing more, nothing less. Theres those idiots that ask if im serious about this man, while looking at my 1.5 carats on my hand. Oblivious is not the word. But the attempts have ranged from straight disrespectful that reminds me why im not with them to the hilarious, like they high and mighty STILL. its a phenom i dont understand and i am not going to try. i just sit back and laugh, where are these folks when youre single, why they always gotta come when you wit someone? lol.
2009-03-18
MOMMY SURVEY
How long have you been a Mom?
I found out 23wks along that i was pregnant, there was alot of verbal/mental abuse so keeping track of things wasnt on my list to do.
How many children call you Mommy?
just one, for now.
Girl? Boy? or both?
boy, i want another boy.
Did you know what you were having?
see first question, yes.
How old were you when you became a mom?
i gave birth a wk b4 my 25th bday.
Natural or C-Section?
natural, no tearing nothing.
How much did your child(ren) weigh?
Daivd was 5lbs 12oz
What's your least favorite thing about having your kids?
up until oct of this year, pretty much raising my son alone.
Do you want more kids?
I would like one more
Do you get stressed often?
VERY stressed WAY TOO often. Not gonna lie about it...being a Mom is HARD!
How many times have you been pee'd on?
A few times.
How many times have you been barfed on?
a few
Are your children named after anyone?
david was named after his dad, but his last name is now mine. my next one is going to be named the way i wanted david to be named.
When your child gets in trouble, who is the bad guy?
Usually Mommy.
Did you really brush their teeth even when they only had one or two?
yes. I was anal about his care.
One thing you will not give up just because you're a mom?
I couldnt tell you. I have given up quite a few things...
One thing you did give up now that you're a mom:
My peace and quiet....and my sanity! LOL I SECOND THAT!
When the kids are napping, are you usually napping?
Most of the time I am.
Where is/are your child(ren) now?
david is watching TV and eating breakfast.
How old are your kids?
david will be 5 in july WOW
Name?
David Leonard Courtney
Birthday?
he's almost 5
How long did labor last?
they broke my water and enduced me so i dont know..see top question.
Who was in the room when baby was born?
David, some of his "links"(yea i wasnt too happy bout that) his sister and brother in law and his mom.
How long did u push?
Not very long, according to the doctor.
Any hair?
David had tons of hair
Be honest…how much weight did u gain during pregnancy?
75lbs. ALL BABY
Was baby early or late?
enduced due to the organs not having room to grow, he was2wks early
Who drove you home from hospital?
a female friend of davids, which turned out to be his ex. weird right?
How many baby showers did u have?
HAHAHHAHAHAH i want one for my next child tho.
When did baby start sleeping thru the night?
better question, he STOPPED sleeping thru the night at 20 mos.
Did u breastfeed?
I did for a few months
If not, what kind of formula?
Similac
Who keeps your baby the most?
AHAH like i had a choice, he bolted, damn donor, but he gave me a beautiful, articulate legend in the making.
When do you want to have another?
I would ideally like another within the next two years.....
How did u know when it was time to go to hospital?
I went to the obgyn and she told me that its time to enduce cause his organs was growing and his body wasnt(or the other wayaround i cant reember, see top question.)
What was your pain management?
I had epidurals, but i going to try the natural route.
Did u go home or some where else when u left the hospital?
no we went to a friend of davids house, again i didnt have much of a choice.
Anyone spend the night with u first night in the hospital?
HAHAHA david, no.
I found out 23wks along that i was pregnant, there was alot of verbal/mental abuse so keeping track of things wasnt on my list to do.
How many children call you Mommy?
just one, for now.
Girl? Boy? or both?
boy, i want another boy.
Did you know what you were having?
see first question, yes.
How old were you when you became a mom?
i gave birth a wk b4 my 25th bday.
Natural or C-Section?
natural, no tearing nothing.
How much did your child(ren) weigh?
Daivd was 5lbs 12oz
What's your least favorite thing about having your kids?
up until oct of this year, pretty much raising my son alone.
Do you want more kids?
I would like one more
Do you get stressed often?
VERY stressed WAY TOO often. Not gonna lie about it...being a Mom is HARD!
How many times have you been pee'd on?
A few times.
How many times have you been barfed on?
a few
Are your children named after anyone?
david was named after his dad, but his last name is now mine. my next one is going to be named the way i wanted david to be named.
When your child gets in trouble, who is the bad guy?
Usually Mommy.
Did you really brush their teeth even when they only had one or two?
yes. I was anal about his care.
One thing you will not give up just because you're a mom?
I couldnt tell you. I have given up quite a few things...
One thing you did give up now that you're a mom:
My peace and quiet....and my sanity! LOL I SECOND THAT!
When the kids are napping, are you usually napping?
Most of the time I am.
Where is/are your child(ren) now?
david is watching TV and eating breakfast.
How old are your kids?
david will be 5 in july WOW
Name?
David Leonard Courtney
Birthday?
he's almost 5
How long did labor last?
they broke my water and enduced me so i dont know..see top question.
Who was in the room when baby was born?
David, some of his "links"(yea i wasnt too happy bout that) his sister and brother in law and his mom.
How long did u push?
Not very long, according to the doctor.
Any hair?
David had tons of hair
Be honest…how much weight did u gain during pregnancy?
75lbs. ALL BABY
Was baby early or late?
enduced due to the organs not having room to grow, he was2wks early
Who drove you home from hospital?
a female friend of davids, which turned out to be his ex. weird right?
How many baby showers did u have?
HAHAHHAHAHAH i want one for my next child tho.
When did baby start sleeping thru the night?
better question, he STOPPED sleeping thru the night at 20 mos.
Did u breastfeed?
I did for a few months
If not, what kind of formula?
Similac
Who keeps your baby the most?
AHAH like i had a choice, he bolted, damn donor, but he gave me a beautiful, articulate legend in the making.
When do you want to have another?
I would ideally like another within the next two years.....
How did u know when it was time to go to hospital?
I went to the obgyn and she told me that its time to enduce cause his organs was growing and his body wasnt(or the other wayaround i cant reember, see top question.)
What was your pain management?
I had epidurals, but i going to try the natural route.
Did u go home or some where else when u left the hospital?
no we went to a friend of davids house, again i didnt have much of a choice.
Anyone spend the night with u first night in the hospital?
HAHAHA david, no.
AFTER SURGERY and update
The Day after, and an update.
I am so happy we did the california trip BEFORE my surgery cause that trip would have been extremely hard considering all the stairs my parents have in their house, in it, getting in/out of it would have been incredibly painful. I havent called them yet but I can wait, its onnly 630. Luckily my mind can be diverted by wedding planning, we are looking
into starting to buy things, just so that I have them IE self-print out
invites, my dress, finish paying off my ring, setting aside for
catering and my flowers. as long as i have my planning guide im ok. We
are aiming to have the majority money set up to just go ahead and pay
off before or by my birthday in JULY. Id rather have everything paid
off in full, than have to start panicing about where the remainder of
the money is at to pay for whats ever left.
Also in august is the family reunion, and hopefully we can get some
financial help there too. My grandmother turns 90 in august so we are
all planning on leaving for that, tim's trip will be shorter, if we can
afford him to go.So my pain can be taken off my mind by preparing even further for the greatest day of our lives, the concretement to the world of this union. I couldnt think of a better goal.
Be able to walk down my aisle, I can hardly move without hurting, but that, is great incentive, not to go overboard, but to recover as quickly as I can.
2009-03-02
Metal 4 The Hungry
You know, I really had a pretty good time. Its not my forte, but I had fun meeting the people behind the music. And they were great. I met some of Chewy's friends and made some great connections. Even meeting the owner of the bar. I was impressed with some of the groups Chewy had told me about and watched his entire mood change when Fracture Point came on stage.
I am a HUGE lover of people watching and some of the outfits that came through that door, I will never understand but realize its just another form of self expression than im used to. If you ever consider dinner at McDonalds quality time, you best be HELLA BUSY, or got Kids at home. We enjoyed a basic meal, like it was 5 star dinning, it was us, by ourselves out. We'd gone out once before with a friend and his girl, but thats it for the last say 5-6 mos?
I loved Hellen, Fracture Point, Deceptor, and Dehumanizer, even moreso I enjoyed the people behind the music. The sound they create may be different to my taste, but they are good people and are fun to be around. Chewy made good reccomendations in learning Metal through them and we even got to meet some of his closest friends. He really knows how to put on a show and I loved seeing my friend recieve so much praise and respect. KUDOS. Other than that, a night out these days is a night out and we had a great time people watching, talking and creating a memory. I could have drank more than night but, after two I remembered why I dont like it. It gets in the way of my people watching lol. And first impressions are vital so I couldn't screw those up anyways lol. I am not in any rush to do another metal show, but now I know some names the next time i do.
I am a HUGE lover of people watching and some of the outfits that came through that door, I will never understand but realize its just another form of self expression than im used to. If you ever consider dinner at McDonalds quality time, you best be HELLA BUSY, or got Kids at home. We enjoyed a basic meal, like it was 5 star dinning, it was us, by ourselves out. We'd gone out once before with a friend and his girl, but thats it for the last say 5-6 mos?
I loved Hellen, Fracture Point, Deceptor, and Dehumanizer, even moreso I enjoyed the people behind the music. The sound they create may be different to my taste, but they are good people and are fun to be around. Chewy made good reccomendations in learning Metal through them and we even got to meet some of his closest friends. He really knows how to put on a show and I loved seeing my friend recieve so much praise and respect. KUDOS. Other than that, a night out these days is a night out and we had a great time people watching, talking and creating a memory. I could have drank more than night but, after two I remembered why I dont like it. It gets in the way of my people watching lol. And first impressions are vital so I couldn't screw those up anyways lol. I am not in any rush to do another metal show, but now I know some names the next time i do.
2009-02-23
life is unfair
My immediate family shocked me recently by allowing my bf and i to come up for a visit. This may sound normal to the rest of you, but from these two people, it took me completely off guard and honestly? Im a lil nervous. Now i know they like him and all that, he's the best man ive ever dated. but other than for about a half hour, they've never been too keen on me having men at the house, or any of my boyfriends in close quarters for very long. Now I know things have gotten deep with Tim and I and I really couldnt be happier. The family that has met him adore him, as do apparently my parents. And the issue of race with my extended family so far has not been an issue. My cousins adore what they are learning and my one set of aunt/uncle like him too.
But then there is the rest of my family, its hard being in a mixed race family with the majority from, and still living in the east to begin with. I know that my grandparents in the begining were against my adoption in the first place because it was mixing races again but have grown to love me. So its a part of them I've come to respectfully not touch. I will not try to fight what I cant empathize with. I know that my parents best intention was their concern. So I am curious, if their grandaughter has found love, and their greatgrandson is in good hands, what should the color of the skin matter. I am one to truly know that long habits are hard to break, especially racerelations, so i keep my mouth shut as much as possible. My bitterness is more with some members of my extended family.
I dont think race should and even the age isnt a factor, but this year, the year that my grandmother turns 90, I have to part ways and be the ONE person in my family of 35+ to leave their significant other in their home state, all because he happens to be black.Now, there are plenty of months left between now and august and who knows what will happen, I didnt think this union would get to where it is now, but look how estatic and good things have become so I will continue to pray. Now i know family reunions are supposed to be for official family, but there were serious dating people invited to come just as much as i dont think sarah and jason were married before sarah came. and yet, when i want to include one of the best men in my life to ever exist, AND he's willing to help, if not completely cover our way, i cant cause of his hue.
It just goes to show me the fact that some people, as much as they say they are with it, really cant let go of the past and learn. Hypocritical? in a way i believe, because if you teach your kids not to see color lines in the new century, why cant you? You want your kids to succeed and see no race boundaries, everything should be equal. so does that mean that truly, you dont believe in affirmitave action? Don't let me catch you agreeing with the NAACP anytime soon. Or anything positively related to the United Negro Fund. I have never been one to be loud and confrontational, but this fact, I am very strong on. If you do not let your own family have mixed race relations without having nothing but negativity, dont let me catch you being all positive when itcomes to society allowing mixed relations. It is the definition of hypocritics, and I dont deal with them. i could get really cruel but I will leave it at that.
I'm not trying to cause too many waves, but through therapy I have come to realize that this issue is partially the reason why i dont get too close to men, cause in the back of my mind, the race I choose to date would become a boulder in my family and him, and that includes my wedding, my future kids. I'm pretty sure I wouldnt want to know people's true reaction to my son, this is enough. It took almost 2yrs of him courting me and us being friends for it to get to this point so I will continue to pray and just look forward to life as its given to me.
.
But then there is the rest of my family, its hard being in a mixed race family with the majority from, and still living in the east to begin with. I know that my grandparents in the begining were against my adoption in the first place because it was mixing races again but have grown to love me. So its a part of them I've come to respectfully not touch. I will not try to fight what I cant empathize with. I know that my parents best intention was their concern. So I am curious, if their grandaughter has found love, and their greatgrandson is in good hands, what should the color of the skin matter. I am one to truly know that long habits are hard to break, especially racerelations, so i keep my mouth shut as much as possible. My bitterness is more with some members of my extended family.
I dont think race should and even the age isnt a factor, but this year, the year that my grandmother turns 90, I have to part ways and be the ONE person in my family of 35+ to leave their significant other in their home state, all because he happens to be black.Now, there are plenty of months left between now and august and who knows what will happen, I didnt think this union would get to where it is now, but look how estatic and good things have become so I will continue to pray. Now i know family reunions are supposed to be for official family, but there were serious dating people invited to come just as much as i dont think sarah and jason were married before sarah came. and yet, when i want to include one of the best men in my life to ever exist, AND he's willing to help, if not completely cover our way, i cant cause of his hue.
It just goes to show me the fact that some people, as much as they say they are with it, really cant let go of the past and learn. Hypocritical? in a way i believe, because if you teach your kids not to see color lines in the new century, why cant you? You want your kids to succeed and see no race boundaries, everything should be equal. so does that mean that truly, you dont believe in affirmitave action? Don't let me catch you agreeing with the NAACP anytime soon. Or anything positively related to the United Negro Fund. I have never been one to be loud and confrontational, but this fact, I am very strong on. If you do not let your own family have mixed race relations without having nothing but negativity, dont let me catch you being all positive when itcomes to society allowing mixed relations. It is the definition of hypocritics, and I dont deal with them. i could get really cruel but I will leave it at that.
I'm not trying to cause too many waves, but through therapy I have come to realize that this issue is partially the reason why i dont get too close to men, cause in the back of my mind, the race I choose to date would become a boulder in my family and him, and that includes my wedding, my future kids. I'm pretty sure I wouldnt want to know people's true reaction to my son, this is enough. It took almost 2yrs of him courting me and us being friends for it to get to this point so I will continue to pray and just look forward to life as its given to me.
.
2009-02-13
Valentines??
I am actually one of those who says why can't valentines be on every day show your love for your partner every day instead of one specific day. Isn't it a lil kid holiday anyway? Those lil marvel action comics valentines are so cute. but after that it could give the wrong signal. I mean if im into a guy, but he despises me, and he gives me a "be mine" card, whats not to think an emotionally sensitve chick would take it as an "i like you cue" how many crimes do you see fought over a woman...c'mon now, dont let it start here lol.
Seriously though, nobody closes or no tax break happens so wtf? Im a chick so i can buy flowers anytime i want, and its appropriate. A guy, that's just a lil wierd. when you see a dude in a flower-shop its prob for some special occasion or something like that, not for skits&wiggles. But i guess I'll say VD is a rescue for those non emotional, non expressive types. OR its a day to remember that you're alone, hwne i was single and wanting a relationship, I REALLY hated Valentines day. In this economy don't you think there would be cheaper items since it HAS to be a materialistic made up holiday, i mean every damn company in the world is getting a freaking bailout of some sort, why cant it be the normal person, or that one who's wallet looks as barren as the Sahara desert? Wouldn't it be cheaper too, to give a lil candy here,a random rose, or wildflower you find somewhere, or a lil Hi out of the blue or do dishes for your partner, or learn to massage, so you can massage your partner,*they always come with happy endings lol* throughout the year, say on bad days? Sappy ass cards, those things just irritate the hell out of me, I've never been a materialistic person to begin with but hell, $16.95 for a piece of paper that says what I'm fully capable of saying to you myself? cmon now....REALLY? Its not like I can't do it my damn self. Why do i have to shell out money to show you that i care. I mean no, i wont send you a text if you're my partner or something but shit, almost 20 bucks for some random ass company to tell you what i can already? but then again, it may again be an escape route for those non-emotionally expressive types. and for that i ain't mad.
I don't see spending money on temporary things, vd or otherwise, when I'd rather put the vd money into, oh, say... KEEPING THE ROOF OVER MY HEAD? It would mean more if a man HAD to spend money on me, to um, lets see, donate to the BUTTAFLY SURVIVAL FUND? Think about it, it would be a MUCH wiser investment than roses that will die, candy i shouldn't really eat, and a card I might lose on accident. In the end that would help me out, last longer, relieve stress, and mean so much. I hate a man who thinks he HAS to spend money on me. Chivalry doesn't require money. But maybe that's why i stayed single for so long and dated the wrong men for so long. Cause i got lost and strayed away from the root of me.
I think i really came to this concept when i joined the military, all the ladies in my flight were giving me static cause i was the only one that didn't get or do anything big for valentines day. I got my E-3, i was happy. I didnt need anything else. All in all, unless you are EXTREMELY into Valentines day and have someone who likes only getting things once a year, instead of all year and extras on V-day. I don't care for it, i mean i wake up, shit shower and shave, pay daycare, eat, and sleep just like any other day, its not like there's a lunar eclipse on the 14Th of Feb that will annihilate one block randomly from a city each year so that YOU have to celebrate it, so why do it just once. I think I'm getting something for Valentines this year, but if not, I got roses a few weeks ago, he does lil things for me, makes sure we have us time. ***MOST IMPORTANTLY, we still have a home, we still have daycare, we still have each other, my fridge is still full, he still has good job, we still have heat and air. In this economy, not many can say that, so I'm happy either way.
Seriously though, nobody closes or no tax break happens so wtf? Im a chick so i can buy flowers anytime i want, and its appropriate. A guy, that's just a lil wierd. when you see a dude in a flower-shop its prob for some special occasion or something like that, not for skits&wiggles. But i guess I'll say VD is a rescue for those non emotional, non expressive types. OR its a day to remember that you're alone, hwne i was single and wanting a relationship, I REALLY hated Valentines day. In this economy don't you think there would be cheaper items since it HAS to be a materialistic made up holiday, i mean every damn company in the world is getting a freaking bailout of some sort, why cant it be the normal person, or that one who's wallet looks as barren as the Sahara desert? Wouldn't it be cheaper too, to give a lil candy here,a random rose, or wildflower you find somewhere, or a lil Hi out of the blue or do dishes for your partner, or learn to massage, so you can massage your partner,*they always come with happy endings lol* throughout the year, say on bad days? Sappy ass cards, those things just irritate the hell out of me, I've never been a materialistic person to begin with but hell, $16.95 for a piece of paper that says what I'm fully capable of saying to you myself? cmon now....REALLY? Its not like I can't do it my damn self. Why do i have to shell out money to show you that i care. I mean no, i wont send you a text if you're my partner or something but shit, almost 20 bucks for some random ass company to tell you what i can already? but then again, it may again be an escape route for those non-emotionally expressive types. and for that i ain't mad.
I don't see spending money on temporary things, vd or otherwise, when I'd rather put the vd money into, oh, say... KEEPING THE ROOF OVER MY HEAD? It would mean more if a man HAD to spend money on me, to um, lets see, donate to the BUTTAFLY SURVIVAL FUND? Think about it, it would be a MUCH wiser investment than roses that will die, candy i shouldn't really eat, and a card I might lose on accident. In the end that would help me out, last longer, relieve stress, and mean so much. I hate a man who thinks he HAS to spend money on me. Chivalry doesn't require money. But maybe that's why i stayed single for so long and dated the wrong men for so long. Cause i got lost and strayed away from the root of me.
I think i really came to this concept when i joined the military, all the ladies in my flight were giving me static cause i was the only one that didn't get or do anything big for valentines day. I got my E-3, i was happy. I didnt need anything else. All in all, unless you are EXTREMELY into Valentines day and have someone who likes only getting things once a year, instead of all year and extras on V-day. I don't care for it, i mean i wake up, shit shower and shave, pay daycare, eat, and sleep just like any other day, its not like there's a lunar eclipse on the 14Th of Feb that will annihilate one block randomly from a city each year so that YOU have to celebrate it, so why do it just once. I think I'm getting something for Valentines this year, but if not, I got roses a few weeks ago, he does lil things for me, makes sure we have us time. ***MOST IMPORTANTLY, we still have a home, we still have daycare, we still have each other, my fridge is still full, he still has good job, we still have heat and air. In this economy, not many can say that, so I'm happy either way.
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