life is unfair

My immediate family shocked me recently by allowing my bf and i to come up for a visit. This may sound normal to the rest of you, but from these two people, it took me completely off guard and honestly? Im a lil nervous. Now i know they like him and all that, he's the best man ive ever dated. but other than for about a half hour, they've never been too keen on me having men at the house, or any of my boyfriends in close quarters for very long. Now I know things have gotten deep with Tim and I and I really couldnt be happier. The family that has met him adore him, as do apparently my parents. And the issue of race with my extended family so far has not been an issue. My cousins adore what they are learning and my one set of aunt/uncle like him too.

But then there is the rest of my family, its hard being in a mixed race family with the majority from, and still living in the east to begin with. I know that my grandparents in the begining were against my adoption in the first place because it was mixing races again but have grown to love me. So its a part of them I've come to respectfully not touch. I will not try to fight what I cant empathize with. I know that my parents best intention was their concern. So I am curious, if their grandaughter has found love, and their greatgrandson is in good hands, what should the color of the skin matter. I am one to truly know that long habits are hard to break, especially racerelations, so i keep my mouth shut as much as possible. My bitterness is more with some members of my extended family.

I dont think race should and even the age isnt a factor, but this year, the year that my grandmother turns 90, I have to part ways and be the ONE person in my family of 35+ to leave their significant other in their home state, all because he happens to be black.Now, there are plenty of months left between now and august and who knows what will happen, I didnt think this union would get to where it is now, but look how estatic and good things have become so I will continue to pray. Now i know family reunions are supposed to be for official family, but there were serious dating people invited to come just as much as i dont think sarah and jason were married before sarah came. and yet, when i want to include one of the best men in my life to ever exist, AND he's willing to help, if not completely cover our way, i cant cause of his hue.

It just goes to show me the fact that some people, as much as they say they are with it, really cant let go of the past and learn. Hypocritical? in a way i believe, because if you teach your kids not to see color lines in the new century, why cant you? You want your kids to succeed and see no race boundaries, everything should be equal. so does that mean that truly, you dont believe in affirmitave action? Don't let me catch you agreeing with the NAACP anytime soon. Or anything positively related to the United Negro Fund. I have never been one to be loud and confrontational, but this fact, I am very strong on. If you do not let your own family have mixed race relations without having nothing but negativity, dont let me catch you being all positive when itcomes to society allowing mixed relations. It is the definition of hypocritics, and I dont deal with them. i could get really cruel but I will leave it at that.

I'm not trying to cause too many waves, but through therapy I have come to realize that this issue is partially the reason why i dont get too close to men, cause in the back of my mind, the race I choose to date would become a boulder in my family and him, and that includes my wedding, my future kids. I'm pretty sure I wouldnt want to know people's true reaction to my son, this is enough. It took almost 2yrs of him courting me and us being friends for it to get to this point so I will continue to pray and just look forward to life as its given to me.

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Valentines??

I am actually one of those who says why can't valentines be on every day show your love for your partner every day instead of one specific day. Isn't it a lil kid holiday anyway? Those lil marvel action comics valentines are so cute. but after that it could give the wrong signal. I mean if im into a guy, but he despises me, and he gives me a "be mine" card, whats not to think an emotionally sensitve chick would take it as an "i like you cue" how many crimes do you see fought over a woman...c'mon now, dont let it start here lol.

Seriously though, nobody closes or no tax break happens so wtf? Im a chick so i can buy flowers anytime i want, and its appropriate. A guy, that's just a lil wierd. when you see a dude in a flower-shop its prob for some special occasion or something like that, not for skits&wiggles. But i guess I'll say VD is a rescue for those non emotional, non expressive types. OR its a day to remember that you're alone, hwne i was single and wanting a relationship, I REALLY hated Valentines day. In this economy don't you think there would be cheaper items since it HAS to be a materialistic made up holiday, i mean every damn company in the world is getting a freaking bailout of some sort, why cant it be the normal person, or that one who's wallet looks as barren as the Sahara desert? Wouldn't it be cheaper too, to give a lil candy here,a random rose, or wildflower you find somewhere, or a lil Hi out of the blue or do dishes for your partner, or learn to massage, so you can massage your partner,*they always come with happy endings lol* throughout the year, say on bad days? Sappy ass cards, those things just irritate the hell out of me, I've never been a materialistic person to begin with but hell, $16.95 for a piece of paper that says what I'm fully capable of saying to you myself? cmon now....REALLY? Its not like I can't do it my damn self. Why do i have to shell out money to show you that i care. I mean no, i wont send you a text if you're my partner or something but shit, almost 20 bucks for some random ass company to tell you what i can already? but then again, it may again be an escape route for those non-emotionally expressive types. and for that i ain't mad.
I don't see spending money on temporary things, vd or otherwise, when I'd rather put the vd money into, oh, say... KEEPING THE ROOF OVER MY HEAD? It would mean more if a man HAD to spend money on me, to um, lets see, donate to the BUTTAFLY SURVIVAL FUND? Think about it, it would be a MUCH wiser investment than roses that will die, candy i shouldn't really eat, and a card I might lose on accident. In the end that would help me out, last longer, relieve stress, and mean so much. I hate a man who thinks he HAS to spend money on me. Chivalry doesn't require money. But maybe that's why i stayed single for so long and dated the wrong men for so long. Cause i got lost and strayed away from the root of me.
I think i really came to this concept when i joined the military, all the ladies in my flight were giving me static cause i was the only one that didn't get or do anything big for valentines day. I got my E-3, i was happy. I didnt need anything else. All in all, unless you are EXTREMELY into Valentines day and have someone who likes only getting things once a year, instead of all year and extras on V-day. I don't care for it, i mean i wake up, shit shower and shave, pay daycare, eat, and sleep just like any other day, its not like there's a lunar eclipse on the 14Th of Feb that will annihilate one block randomly from a city each year so that YOU have to celebrate it, so why do it just once. I think I'm getting something for Valentines this year, but if not, I got roses a few weeks ago, he does lil things for me, makes sure we have us time. ***MOST IMPORTANTLY, we still have a home, we still have daycare, we still have each other, my fridge is still full, he still has good job, we still have heat and air. In this economy, not many can say that, so I'm happy either way.

This Woman Can Rule The World!

I have had a strong heart, powerful mind, and I will rule my world with an iron fist and a warm heart. I rule in old school ways that society mistreats because the majority has forgotten how it is to be chivalrous, and what a handshake means. That when you say youre going to be somewhere you;re NOT 20 mins late kause you want to be. I would buy a few materialistic things, of course, my own 2 cars, 2 for my husband, and 1 classic for each of my kids, a large house that i would work out ofYES I WOULD STILL WORK. A horse farm, successful show horses as well as stallions. Give my mother her own to run and profit from, ride till her hearts content. My dad would retire securely. I would make reality every lil "If I had the money I would..." that ever came out of my mouth in my almost 30 years. All the money my parents ever gave me I would triple and give back to them. Jennifer has been my saving grace for the longest time, for longer than I can remember and in more ways than my diminishing memory will allow me to remember, but i would make her first 20 dreams a reality. Every company I have ever worked for I would own, every individual who has abused their power and caused my job length to be as short as a breath, would work for me in the disposal maintenence department beneath their worst enemy. I would have no worries when it comes to having ANY of my future/present kids go to college, as far as they like. Anyone who JUSTLY helped in the securing of my life, would have their first 5 wishes granted. My USAF friend Dawn would have no financial worries for her family. And on a vindictive note, My son's dad would go through everything he's ever put anyone who's ever cared an inch for him, without assistance, and then spend the rest of his days in a maximum security rehabilitation facility.

Nobody will be able to hold me down by my past mistakes, try to tarnish my achieved reputation. Inconcievable will denying my always existant worth in the sharktank business world. Those things I used to shy away from cause i thought they were out of my reach would be in mass duplicate. The king who has stood strong for years in the shadows, would know even beyond my ability to show how precious he is, how much what he has done, will do, wants to do for my kingdom, my soul, means to me. His own worth would be undeniable to the world, as misjudged as he has been, those would be days in the past. I am a powerful woman representing the single mothers who have achieved alot, survived things a horror story couldnt touch, surpassed every existant expectation and demolished racial, social, moral prejudices. My crown exists and with every day I will become closer to making the shine of it as bright as the sun. People will look upon the lifeline of my son and see a beautiful powerful queen who rules justly and raised a gracious articulate man, raised in the old school, and who is unshakable in the present days.

B.B.D. pt. 2 Dating

I would have to say hands down, that this area is when i learned the most, Not so much DURING, but definatly looking back. Heinsight is truly 20/20. I have confidently said before, that there are 2 in my life, dating, seeing, courting, that would NOT come back to me, if the chance were given. Now currently I am estatic with my decision to be beside one of my own "in the shadows men" (i'll explain later) But this previously stated fact has come to remain true. That there remains to only be two, that I am pretty confident that don't regret their decision to part ways.
Now during the time of the previous men, I was as my friends say, too giving, too much the "traditional asian woman" giving of myself, as i should, but for the wrong men. And just as any other lovestruck one, I couldnt see from inside what they saw from the outside. I gave so much, but i wasnt recognizing the cost. You could say my heart was learning its strength's path to unconditional light. But there would be immense pain before this could happen.

This said pain would come in the form of abuse, verbal, physical, mental, emotional, and any other that exists. Now i understand that i am partially to blame for standing still too long, thinking i could change, change them, all the cliche's yes, ive been there. But along the way there would be men that would come into my path, like Tee that would make me bluntly realize my worth. Now I am not saying I immediately took it to heart and changed, but their effect on my life is permenantly marked as positive, and I couldn't attribute my strength correctly without recognizing their role in my life. I learned to stand up, my worth first or nothing. And God, not that I'm bible reading, or church going, but God gave me a gift to recognize a much needed change in how i percieved myself and males in general. To take a different look all together.

Instead of worrying and wasting time over "what I did wrong" I began to realize all those things I did right, and you know what? I started to realize that I was not being utilized for what I was. A powerful queen, a partner willing to give her last breath for her king and her king in the making. In love you don't count the costs, and as time passed, I too quit counting the costs, and you know what, I began to learn more and more how to love myself. So powerful is the person who can see how to, and applies that in the face of ultimate adversity. I began to look back on all the "relationships" I have had in my almost 30 years and realize that in some way or another, during my life, all but 2 men that i thought i did wrong by, admitted their wrong. Some didnt do it bluntly, and that would attribute to me not catching it till much later, but how empowering is that, knowing that the fault you took for the split, is now being placed correctly by the one deserving of it. Its late, but better late than never.

The dating world is meant for building your heart, soul and spirit. Knowing what you want, deserve and should be aiming for. All from the mistakes, "trip& fall" all in the ways of learning how to "walk." I have realized this, that even though there is much recovery left for me, that the rest is to be achieved aside a good king. Its unfamiliar territory I haven't explored in ages, total reciprocation of what ive been giving to the unworthy ones, its well, well, overdue. Grow, learn together, its the way a kingdom grows unconditional. Vitality of Communication, Compromise, Loyalty, Monogamy, Honesty, and Love, is realized within the one who embodies that which completes

B.B.D. pt 1 nightlife.

From throwing a cappuccino shake out the window of a cougar, only for it to explode in/outside of the cougar, and dying laughing when its final location was revealed. To starting a wednesday night at one bar, and ending the weekend at a completely different one, and not really remembering exact details of the in between time except through kodak moments in the camera.

BBD before baby days WERE Grand, but id never trade my son for anything.

I look at clubs, parking lot pimping(yes girls do it too) completely differently. Heck, my opinion of people has changed since BBD. You cant tell the woman who went from wed to mon partying at different clubs, safely of course, that there is something she is missing. Its just not a valid arguement, theres not much ground. Starting one night, Friday for example, at one club, going to another by cab, and walking to the after hours spot. All of them the hot spots and even some VIP events w/o signing any lists. Any town can become "cookie cutter" when you see the same people at different spots on random days of the week. Which can lead it to become boring. Which is one reason I, myself quit going. Club rats, SOME, can reform. Id take a warm night at home instead. But back to the subject at hand.

Exploration of the club scene was mixed, I met some great people, and as much of a people watcher as I am, this was my haven. I could lose myself in the beat, watch the failure lil boy attempt to hit on a girl COMPLETELY out of his league. And then there are the girls who recess in maturity when they aim to ride out randomly, only to become one. This is also where I learned to read body language to decipher "friends w/benefits", "just friends" & "making him/her jealous", desire, pity dance, "what did i get myself into" and what my military friends dubbed the "tag that" dance.
I learned the difference between the teases, those that dance like they exist in the guys pants, but the minute its all over, they ghost and appalled at his obvious advances. and those women who make the truth known point blank, either by verbal, or secondary placement of inappropriate placement of the guys body. Its a socioligists dream location to see people in their most assorted enviornment.

I loved dancing, its a great workout and i still love doing it once in a while, but not every weekend. I've had my fill. And until you can give me a REALLY monumental reason to stay out like that, that doesnt have the slightest chance of happening again, then I can confidently say, I've had my fill. But really, I'd rather just go out on random night, for a special occasion or something, get it out of my system and be done.Don't get it twisted, I can still close a place down with the best of them, proof being my bday party. . You find many things out you never knew... ;) I dont need it like an I.V. I don't knock that do, but I've done that, more likely than not, been there, so i humbly pass.

"Dont feel defeated cause, trust me you can build it..."

How would you comfort a woman who used to have everything set, independent, 2 jobs, not a worry in the world. Now facing an enormous panic attack approaching the next bill with empty pockets. How do you let that woman know that you are unconditional when all those who have every supposedly have been there to carry with her, only buried her with every form of abuse known to Webster himself.Could you ever learn to read this woman's body language without taking it to offense? What do you tell her to say to the woman in the mirror when she feels in adequate to one who shouldn't be worth a minuscule thought. What if you fall in love with her, the woman she still cant see? How do you show this true queen that she can rebuild her kingdom, with or without society, she can regain and surpass any plateau she ever reached before? Do you know how to allow yourself to try to relate? Can you truly put your own comfort zone aside to help her, even though you cant relate in your reality? Could you remain that same friend, even after she returns to that "abuse" comfort zone. OR would you have reached your own breaking point and walk away. Would you be able to tolerate all the self abuse, be able to help her break the learned helplessness? Can you honestly stand by as she remains, even in the slightest bit, to beat herself down? Everything she does to push you away is not intentional, but it does just that, pushes you away. Would you still be willing to stand there, even though at times, you are completely invisible to her? What if that woman had a child, an innocent soul, guided by a lost one. Would you be able to still stand by, or would you hold it against her. "She repeated the pattern that brought her to this point."If given the same glasses that she sees things through, would you be able to bring yourself to see the same. Try to understand it from her view? Inside every damaged woman is a queen waiting to be re-revealed. Concreting her pedestal from within is not always easy. Would you be one of those unconditional ones growing, going down that path with her. Solidarity is vital like breathing to all "inner royalty."

GROWTH

then and now.... I always admired those that spoke their mind about everything happening to them. I always let karma take control. I lived the old school style of love, giving completely of myself for something that I wanted. What did I recieve in return? 13+ years of nothing, minus 3 relationships/men I will never forget. And yet, after all the pain i endured i kept pushing, hurting myself deeper and deeper never losing faith. And just when I was about to completely snap I was given the door to the embodiement that i had been looking for, but never saw, even though they were there through the most brutal times recently of my life. But in order to keep my well deserved gift, I was shown that not a new years resolution, but a NEW LIFE resolution had to be made. and in this process, I was shown everything in a whole new light and gladly i lock the other doors and burn bridges, get this, WITHOUT REMORSE!!! i know right? me? not second guessing something. even before the new year hit i was getting closure from some of the most traumatic mistakes i made that hurt those who meant the most to me, in other vicious times in my life. You truly do learn and grow. and Im about to spend my remaining breaths growing even more. You used to be able to leave me behind, doing all you do( god i hate that phrase) and still come back to find me as faithful as forever, and yet when i first decided to revolt against that, i hurt someone so incredibly. Abuse for me started in society and just got pegged more and more. I always took the, "they wouldnt hurt me like that" stance, each time wrong more and more. I slowly began to take on this whole, "out for myself" persona society today has, I hated to admit it and would rarely show it, but it was true. It came to a head with my sons dad, and anyone who knows that saga closely knows that the time he existed was a turbulant one. But I have been given a great gift, that at first i didnt know how to handle, I was surely not ready to handle on my own. My son is MY reflection, not of his father, but of ME. And i will never have it any other way. Now, if you're not going to benefit, protect, or provide a safer haven for my legecy keeper, then i have no need for you. Ill still be your aquaintence, but I will not "jump" until you show me CONCRETE evidence of two things, A) you are unconditonal B) I will get the EQUIVELINT of what I put into you. otherwise expect very little. BITCH? yes sir, if thats what todays society calls it, then VERY PROUDLY I AM. but i get what i need. its amazing what societey creates then turns around and desecrates. I have written many blogs justifying my relationship, and you know what? I Was about to, but this relationship, anything i do, should have no need to be justified, or given evidence as to why it exists. Previously, I would give all the reasons why, but two hearts know why, have endoured alot on either side, and together. All anyone need be concerned about is I am happy, my son is well cared for, and things are good, reciprocation is concrete. Anyone to attempt to desecrate it, or doubt it is not to even be considered a waste of concern. True friends are just that true.